Protagonist

I have endured,

gloomy rainy Sunday afternoons,

post teen addiction to cartoons,

worklessness and pleasure,

money and measure.

A kid’s yearning for a sibling,

vodka glasses tripling,

insomniac phases,

all night star gazes.

Painstaking school, college chores,

indecent dark alley whores,

those imperious cheeky garrulous bores,

sweet childhood crushes and heart sores.

I have overcome,

mid day drippy gut crunching games,

teenage goof-up shames,

family’s list of you should be’s

and inerasable infidel would be’s.

I have lived,

incessant teas and cigarettes,

abstaining lunch breaks,

marathon addas with friends,

without flinching about graduation grades.

Two accidents,

career setbacks,

unfounded ideologies,

fantasizing Maybachs.

Today,

I relish my pragmatic dreams,

whimsical chilly winter ice creams,

the first pair of a now torn Levi’s,

and my small world brimming with positive vibes.

I will live,

to realize everything I can,

move on from any futile plan,

for the smiles of people who love,

and for myself to prove,

I am a protagonist.

Love ?!#

Long time...

This one is to all the bright women whom I was fortunate to know, while not being so privileged themselves...for obvious reasons...

No hard feelings...

Here goes...

I thought I could sense her

Her dreamy eyes I had always known

Her becoming smile made her my own

Fragrance familiar as my skin

All bearings to my heart akin

Said could never hurt me

Proclaimed,” Can’t live sans thee”

I felt we were destiny's own

A frequency seldom hatched

Chemistry, they said was unmatched

The fights were a course in escalating love

Sweet tranquil moments replenished like a paired dove

Profusion of an occasional honey-coated kiss

Reality or dream was this bliss?

Then the contrast came to the fore

Perturbing her every other moment

Like an eyesore

I was stagnant and paunchy

Contrary to the prince charming

Of her sanity

Each habit seemed to irritate to the core

How can one love any more?

All castles came crushing down

With a gust of materiality

Part did I with hell full of pain

An ironic yet bitter eventuality

Eyes still ache

With even the slightest immaturity

Of an amorous daydream

Nights choking with hysterity

Venturing along to fathom my alter ego

An untrodden body and soul

Myriad countenance of a woman

A frown occasionally stole

Icy images of separation

Can ever break this chain?

Man struggling to decipher

The deepest desires of a woman

All in vain!

Trudging a confessed formidable way

Playing my destiny’s game

Why

Why don’t we trust ourselves?
Why don’t we give love a chance?
Why are our lives so meaningless?
Why are we not worth someone’s smiles of a lifetime?
Why won't our lives last long enough
... to afford such distance in relations?

Will you ...

Will you love me if I do
promise to stay with you
be a pillar by your side
and chaperon you
from mean people
blood bias
career chaos
all stones on me
no veiled secrets
and care for everything you do?

Will you be with me if I do
behold you in my eyes
dreams and hopes
hold you in my arms tight
fender lurking menace and spite
when you need my shoulder
and let go when you want to fly
no strings tying you
do you promise you will come back?

Will you let me dream on your lap if I do
caress your hair
feel lost in your fragrance
bless my life in you
mind, body and soul
unflinching fidelity
with our togetherness as a goal
no one to violate this sanctity
will you value love of essence?

Will you be with me forever if I do
meliorate all your follies and
appreciate your doing that for me
connive time made decline
be a nice son to your parents
a terrific father to your kids
crackerjack partner to top it all
in lifetime ups and fall
no straying if you come with me
will you come with me?

Love

What is love? I have been intrigued by this question ever since I was able to think independently. For I found that even as a child I craved for love and my vision of age and youth was not in its sparsity.

Love has changed meanings over the years. At one point of time it was mainly attention, devotion of time and toys and comics. My judgment of who loved me revolved around who is willing to give these things to me. Then, I started cognizing its greater meaning that according to me were sharing, caring and being happy together, beyond the boundaries of time and benefaction. I loved my friends as I loved my family.

Then something wonderful and emotionally pleasant psychological transition occurred. First time in my life, I felt the necessity of being loved by someone of the opposite sex. Till this time, I took love as it came my way, from family and friends. But this mental transformation left me seeking it.

And this is when the justification of love became paramount. My observation of life for then helped me to jump to the conclusion that love is a feeling that makes you seek someone’s company all the time, so much so that you are willing to marry them. Another definition I remember, popularly used in idle chit chats was:

“Love is a feeling which you feel when you feel that you have felt a feeling which you have never felt before.”

Lot of feelings and love, eh? It was fantastic and just perfect at that age. Sadly today I know that even break-ups feel the same.

And then there was a special someone with whom I could easily spend a lifetime, life being the constraint. I was duly reciprocated and was in emotional bliss, which I presupposed as love. Empirically speaking, I was wrong. Maybe.

At this juncture, in my process of reasoning love, I am left with two conclusions. One, love is not permanent. It comes and goes. Like people unflinchingly say nowadays, “I have fallen out of love”. As if love is a chamber where you can fall in and out. The avid romantic that I am, the idea of mortal love does not appeal to me. That leads me to conclusion two. Love is indestructible. But I am back to the square one again. What are the exact signs to make you understand love, differentiate it from infatuation and physical attraction? I have personally felt almost all known, written and spoken emotions of love but still it seems to be elusive.

Is it caring, sharing and being happy together? Or being hopelessly in need for each other? The first feeling leaves you gratified, full of strength and contentment. The other might be whirlwind in the beginning but leaves you exhausted and weak in emotional strength. It also leaves you so blind with the excitement that you even do not have the time to judge your partner on more important yet subtle issues. Though lucky are those who pass a lifetime in this excitement, for most of us things do not work out like that.

Now a plausible yet quite preliminary premise for love can be drawn out to be in the sense of giving more than expecting, sharing more than wanting and caring. It is not about reciprocation, trading favors, put conditions for being together. The beauty lies in the acceptance of each other as the individuals that they are, appreciate each other’s strengths and cherish them. Who does not have flaws? If love were an admiration for perfection then its existence is a myth. Hence it is not. It has something to do with mental proximity, compatibility in ideas, mutual liking, happiness in intimacy and drawing strength from one another to face life more boldly.

I have drifted towards this assumption about love using wisdom from my years and observing life, mine and others’. But this idea of love seems to be too simple to be true. All the time I believed it to be something more complex, abstract and mystic. And to find out whether I am correct, all I need is one love and be in it till death. Only then will I be certain of love and its nuances. Or will it mystify forever?